When to consider senior living for your loved one living with dementia

By Laura Oldaker, The Gift of Caring

Being a family caregiver to someone who is living with dementia is one of the highest forms of loving your aging loved one, as it can be a very difficult task. In my 25 years of experience working with older adults and their family members, I have witnessed many difficult situations that have led family members to feel like “throwing in the towel” or drive themselves to such stress levels that can affect their own physical, emotional and mental well-being. As a family caregiver myself to someone who lives with dementia, I also understand how unique each situation is, from the nuances of family dynamics, the feelings of guilt, balancing your own personal and professional life, and so much more. 

We constantly do our best effort to provide care to our loved ones, whether you are caring in person or providing care at a distance. Some are fortunate to have time and means to be the primary caregiver or to hire outside help, however, one must consider whether this is the best thing for your loved one. There is a misconception that  “placing our loved ones in a retirement home” is a bad thing, and while valid and well-intended, it does not always prove to be true. In this week’s blog article we discuss the signs that your loved one might benefit from being in a group setting that a senior living community has to offer, and ways to approach this transition.  

So, how do you know when it's time to consider this transition? The following can be signs that your loved one’s condition is progressing: 

1. Your loved one is fully dependent on you to provide assistance with Activities of daily living and is resisting help: Is your loved one fully dependent on your assistance with personal care and resists your help? Bathing becomes one of the most difficult tasks to help your loved one with, some individuals who live with dementia resist bathing or may wear the same soiled clothes several days in a row because the part of the brain that provides that logic has been compromised, and they may not be able to distinguish from clean clothes and soiled clothes. While there are many techniques that you can use at home to improve In a specialized senior living community, employees have been trained with dementia-specific techniques that new techniques have to be tried on a regular basis. 
2. Sundowning: Sundowning is a symptom that can affect individuals living with dementia. Confusion, aggression, perseveration, exit seeking, and other behaviors become exacerbated; especially as the day progresses into the afternoon and evening. A Caregiver working in memory care is trained with special de-escalation techniques that protect the dignity of their residents, as well as providing routines and sticking to them.
3. Withdrawal: Is your loved one no longer participating in communication with you or their caregivers? Do they seem withdrawn and introverted? The brain’s chemistry changes as a person’s condition progresses, and they are no longer able to communicate as they used to, words cannot be processed and we have to find a new normal. A memory care community provides different therapies that make communication more effective in a way that someone who has been affected by dementia can communicate, an example of this is music and pet therapy. We constantly see this when we bring our dog, Izma to the memory care community and see resident’s faces light up!  
4. Wandering and Exit Seeking: This is one of the most critical symptoms, and while studies show that not every person living with dementia is a wanderer (or its official name: Exit seeking individual) everyone who lives with dementia has the possibility of becoming one at the blink of an eye. If your loved one has shown signs that they are, it may be a good idea to start having this conversation as early as possible. A secured memory care community provides the peace of mind that your loved one will not end up in the “Silver alert” list. As harsh as it sounds, it saddens me to see vulnerable adults become confused and lost, it is especially dangerous in areas where weather can be extreme, in Arizona, temperatures can hike up to 115 or higher in the summertime.    
5. You and your family are becoming mentally and physically exhausted from the stressors: Many times we don’t notice that our loved ones have progressed because it has been a slow progression and we have acclimated ourselves with the changes, however, our stress levels have also slowly progressed. According to the American Medical Association, “stress is the #1 killer of Americans” and family caregivers are no exception. When the stress becomes too much for you and your family, it may be time to consider alternative living situations for your loved one living with dementia.   

Memory Care vs. Assisted Living 

If your loved one exhibits any of the above signs and symptoms, it may be time to consider this option; take some time to start researching assisted living communities in your area, especially ones that specialize in memory and dementia care. In some states you can find experienced professionals called “Placement Agents” who are individuals who specialize in placement of aging adults into senior living communities; they can be a great resource in your search! In AZ, placement agent services are paid for by the communities they place into, so the services are free to you. 

While many Memory Care specializing communities have perks such as a beauty salon, library, activity programs, etc. They can also be the most secure option for those who have had wandering episodes. A smaller, assisted living home (such as they exist in Arizona and other states) may provide more intimate experience for your loved one and provide a more “home-like” environment; be honest with yourself and figure out the needs of your loved one (really, how many times is your loved one going to get into that pool?) 

Be sure to tour several times and at different times of the day before making a decision,    and ask the questions that matter to you and your loved one. Some things to think about are how much assistance with personal care they provide? Additional training their team members have received that focus on dementia, What type of activities do they hold for their residents, constant activities are a very effective way for people living with dementia to stimulate their brains and provide social exposure for those who have been withdrawing from the world.  

Respite Care

You may want to consider a respite, trial period for your loved one. It can be a way to see if your loved one will do well in any environment or if a particular community is the right one for them. Ask the communities you visit if they offer a temporary respite program.     

Regardless of whether you are ready or not, of how difficult starting this conversation with your loved ones can be, considering alternative living situations for your loved one living with dementia, can be a great tool for you and your loved one! When you are rested and well physically and emotionally; it becomes easy to remove resentment and anger, and it allows you to go back to enjoying your loving relationship.